


Big and Empty

by lotsofbigangrybees



Series: Courier Lilt [2]
Category: Fallout (Video Games), Fallout: New Vegas
Genre: Loneliness, Nonbinary Character, Old World Blues DLC, Other, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-19
Updated: 2020-09-19
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:40:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26538241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lotsofbigangrybees/pseuds/lotsofbigangrybees
Summary: Big MT is big, lonely, and unlike anywhere else Lilt has been before. To cope with homesickness, they try to write a letter to the person they miss the most.
Relationships: Courier/Arcade Gannon
Series: Courier Lilt [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1934434
Comments: 2
Kudos: 4





	Big and Empty

There had been a pair of reading glasses next to the bed when Lilt had first sunk deep into the mattress, the last of the adrenaline seeping out of their body as the dull ache from new stitches crawled up their spine, across their forehead, and down their chest. The cool, clean metal of the Sink felt wrong beneath their fingertips, smooth and unnatural, lacking the comforting layer of dust and grime that had settled deep into the crevices of most surfaces in the Mojave. The world outside was unfamiliar, a stark grey crater crawling with Think Tank’s dead eyed victims, skeletons in coffins that moved and attacked, a veritable haven for atrocities that made Lilt yearn for the warm tones of the Mojave, cazadores and all. 

It had been four days of tentatively exploring the Big Empty; or was it Big MT? Lilt couldn’t tell the difference, but one seemed to make the floating screens angry. It was unnerving, knowing they were floating in their laboratory, just behind the wall, using words Lilt had never heard, even from Arcade. 

They missed Arcade. It seemed like he was the only constant since they’d woken up in Goodsprings, a presence as comforting as the radio on their PipBoy, which they never turned off. He was smart, Lilt had known from the second he’d opened his mouth. His lips curled around each syllable so delicately, and he spoke with conviction, sure of his own thoughts. They had felt like a fool when they asked him to come with them. 

_ “No offence intended, but why should I go anywhere with you?”  _

_ “Because, Doctor Gannon, you seem like you know what you’re doin’, all these fancy words  _

_ that come tumblin’ out of your mouth. ‘Sides, you’re far too pretty to be kept back here.” _

The doctor had laughed, and Lilt had been ready to put their hat back on, cheeks burning. They never seemed to be able to stop words from spilling out, an unfortunate side effect of an earnest heart. But Arcade had stood, unfolding from the chair to tower over Lilt, a warm smile and tired green eyes fixed kindly upon them. Arcade was flattered, and eager to travel, so long as they helped the locals in Freeside; a deal Lilt didn’t have to think twice on to accept. 

They were holding the glasses, thumb stroking absentmindedly across the frames, taking care not to leave fingerprints on the lenses. Arcade always complained about that, trying desperately to clean them on his lab coat, oblivious as Lilt stared; a rare opportunity to gaze at the doctor without him catching them in the act. Experimentally, they slid the glasses on, frowning as the room went blurry, quickly sliding them off as their head began to ache again.

Headaches had become something they were used to, the scar the checkered man had left on their temple would throb and ache, making Lilt squeeze their eyes shut to block out the confusing colours and thoughts that would follow. One night, they’d woken with a shout, hands flying up to cradle their head as their dreams had turned to fiery destruction and faces they couldn’t name. They had tried to stifle their sobs, mindful of Arcade stirring in his bedroll on the other side of the campfire, not wanting to wake him. Lilt dug the heels of their palms into their eyes, biting their lip as they tried to focus on anything other than the memories knocking on their skull. 

They hadn’t noticed Arcade had left his bedroll until his hand was at their back, warm and safe, gently gliding up and down. He’d spoken, soft and low, asked them what they needed, peeled their hands away from their face and held them as they sank forward into him, breathing rapidly. Arcade hadn’t said anything the next morning when they woke, curled into his chest. He offered them some water, then waited until Lilt disentangled themself before standing to pack his abandoned bedroll away.

Lilt gently placed the glasses back on the table, reaching into the drawer for a blank book and pencil. Doctor Usanagi had been the one to suggest it, when Arcade had insisted they visit on account of Lilt’s lack of any memory stretching further than two weeks back. She’d initially mentioned some kind of implant, and said something under her breath when Lilt asked how they worked, something that had made Arcade frown and put his hand on their shoulder. That evening, they’d had to confess they couldn’t write. Or read. Arcade hadn’t been surprised, he’d just offered to write down what Lilt said, talk them through it, until they could do it on their own. 

They still needed help sometimes, their hand couldn’t make the same neat strokes Arcade’s could, and they couldn’t remember all the rules that he had to keep reminding them of. It was easier, though. Arcade would correct their mistakes, patient and gentle, like he always was, in everything he did. 

_ To Arcade,  _

_ Today I saw a dog like Rex. She was nice. Some dogs here are bad. Tell Vee and Kass and Boon and Raool and Lilli that I say hi and also I miss you lots and lots and lots i want to reed books with you agen. _

They crossed out the last word, it didn’t look right. Usually they would turn around, and Arcade would be there, reading one of his books, or analysing a sample of a new plant he’d found. He’d look up, offer another one of those warm smiles that made Lilt feel like Veronica had just punched them in the gut, Powerfist and all. Arcade would take their pencil, and right the wrongs in his neat script. But Arcade wasn’t there. 

It was just Lilt. The soft mattress wasn’t their bedroll, Arcade wouldn’t appear to read Homer until their eyelids drooped closed, and their radio would only play the eerie jazz that echoed from within the Think Tank. They picked up the book and pencil, and swung their feet over the bed to stand, walking cautiously into the main room of the Sink, trying not to flinch as several appliances whirred to life, whispering behind their back. Their eyes settled upon the Auto-Doc, and they took a deep breath as they approached. 

“Uh- ‘scuse me, Auto-Doc, sir?”

“You are, without a doubt, the healthiest son of a bitch I’ve ever seen wandering the Big Empty. Ain’t got no use for an old digital sawbones like me.” 

“It’s not about my health, sir, I wanted to ask a question, if you’ve a mind for spellin’ and such.” 

“Not my primary function, kid, but I can do my best, just don’t give me anything with too many syllables.” 

“It’s just, I’m writin’ a letter to a real dear friend of mine, an’ I’m havin’ trouble with the word ‘again’, can you lend a hand?” 

“‘Course I can, kid. That’s an easy one, you got A-G-A-I-N, easy as pie.” Lilt scribbled each letter down as the Auto-Doc read them, then nodded once they were satisfied. 

“Thank you very much, sir.” 

“You need any patchin’ up, I’ll be right here.” They offered a small smile, unsure if the Auto-Doc could actually see it, then shuffled back to their mattress. 

Lilt knew Arcade would never see it, but it brought them some peace of mind to know that Arcade was waiting, back in the Old Mormon Fort, whether he cared for them like they did him or not. So, with a steady hand, they signed the letter. 

_ Love, _

_ Lilt _

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading ! comments are super appreciated <3  
> i'm on tumblr at @homebrandailis and talk about arcade and lilt Too Much!


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